Suicide is expensive y’alll
Back view of house Chris lived in
I feel like you can find support/guidance on navigating the emotional side of losing a loved one to suicide but not much if anything about financial guidance.
Many times people who commit suicide don’t have life insurance, are in a financial pickle and don’t have many, if any assets. Now I know that is not always the case but it is the situation in my story.
So let’s talk about the monetary costs of suicide to those left to pick up the pieces shall we?
*House Expenses to date: $11,500
(interior of house is done, exterior is being worked on and will cost more for debris removal)
Expenses Included: June/July rent and utilities, interior junk removal, full interior paint, new carpet in puppy room, cleaning supplies, cat food and supplies.
Expenses NOT included: 6 weeks missed wages for me, childcare for my son who cannot be at the house while I clean and is tracked out of school, the lawn care is generously being handled by Chris’s wonderful neighbor, labor costs for mine and my sisters time spent at the house (I have been there almost every day), travel costs for my sister and family, and I’m sure much more I’m forgetting.
*Chris’s aftercare: $4000
*I will not detail the costs of having our 15 year old niece live with us but it is not inexpensive
Maybe I’ll give the backstory another day, but for today I’m going to (try to) stay on point.
I do not own the home my brother lived in, I agreed to sign a one year lease 6/1/23 - 5/31/24 as well as have the utilities in my name since neither Chris nor his wife could have qualified for anything. (My husband was not involved in this decision and thankfully has never said anything about this decision to me as it had put us in the terrible position we are in.)
My brother took his life on 5/29/24, 2 days before the lease ended. There were 15 animals and a 15 year old left in a home that was a health hazard to step inside and a yard filled with “treasures” that include at least 25 doors, 25 windows, an electric kiln, 2 transmissions, a Ford Explorer that does not run, 3 toilets, 7 sinks, TONS of wood, various sizes, types and condition, a rolled up chain link fence, tons of random granite and marble pieces, random, mismatching tools and various other “stuff”.
The lease was done 5/31/24 and yes, I could have been an ahole, walked away and let the owners deal with it but that’s not me. (I also would be held liable for many tens of thousands of dollars in damages and lost rent.) Not only is that not appropriate ever, this is a home in the town that we live in and I love being a part of such an amazing small town community and would never think of letting any of my community neighbors deal with that. I put myself in that position and I feel it is my responsibility to handle it.
So anyway, here we are 6 weeks and almost $20,000 cash in with a few weeks and a few thousand dollars left to go. Through the generosity of friends, neighbors, community, there has been a generous amount donated through GoFundMe and cash donations to us. I simply cannot tell you how much that means to me personally, let alone my entire family.
Chris did not have life insurance, nothing in savings that I am aware of, no investments or anything like that. And even if he did have any of that his wife is alive and has not been charged with anything in relation to his death yet so she would have likely been his beneficiary. In addition to not taking any accountability in his death she has not taken any accountability after his death except blame me for making her homeless, taking her pets and creating a GoFundMe to help cover expenses. She has not offered to help clean, she has not said thank you for keeping her child safe, cared for and loved, or finding homes for 12 animals (1 chick died after being left days without food and water and I have not been able to find homes for 2 sweet kitties yet and of course she nor her “friends” can take them) and of course she has not offered to help pay for anything. In her eyes I am the evil villain and she is the innocent victim. But that is another post for another day friends.
I am writing this post for folks who may have considered taking their life either because or partially because of a financial hole that they are in. My brother was terrible with money, he owed a lot of it and spent it 4 times before he got it. His wife is worse with money. But if he thought that his financial issues would magically disappear when he left our world he was so wrong. They are now MY financial issues, and his children’s since he will not be able to fulfill his financial obligations to them.
Suicide is expensive y’all. I much rather would have given my brother 1/4 of what I’ve spent so far and bitched at him for being so irresponsible and have yet another conversation about his wife’s ridiculous spending. Hell, don’t tell him but I would have spent almost anything to still have him here and I could have figured out ways for him to make more money than he would have needed to pay me back and live comfortably.
In addition to the stress and grief of losing my brother, the enormous stress of dealing with the house, the addition of a 15 year old to our home I also deal with the financial stress and guilt of putting myself and my husband in this position. We will be fine, we are not in dire straights but that does not mean that it is not stressful and adds additional layers to my grief journey. At this time I am way too angry at Chris to fully grieve him. I am so angry that he left this mess for me to clean up and pay for and it’s hard for me to see past that right now. He knew it would be me. He knew his wife would never be able to and he knew I would not be able to walk away and leave it for anyone else because of who I am. Granted, I am the one most equipped to handle it but that doesn’t make it ok for him to dump it on me. It’s not ok for him to dump this on anyone.
I fully understand my brother had mental health issues but that did not stop him from coming to me and saying “I got myself in a pretty deep hole and I need help getting out of it”. Selfishness of not wanting to change, embarrassment of getting into that position and pride of not wanting to admit he was wrong or that he needed help is what stopped him. Those are not mental health issues and please don’t pretend “he didn’t know any better”. I’ll call your bullshit quicker than it comes out of your mouth. I knew the man for 41 years, he knew right from wrong and he consciously made the wrong decisions knowing better all of the time. Chris and his wife are narcissists but that does not absolve either of them from accountability for their actions.
If you are the one who was left to clean up just know no matter what your loved one was struggling with it is not ok that it was dumped on you. You are not alone in feeling your feels and it’s okay if you are too angry to grieve or be sad. I’m sure people think I’m cold some days when I talk about Chris but on those days I am so angry I can’t share their sadness. I have lived this reality every single day since my brother killed himself. Every.Single.Day.
You are not alone. Do not feel bad for not feeling bad. Do not feel bad for being angry. Do not feel bad for knowing how unfair this is. Feel your feels and know you are not alone.
Special thank you to my sister (Sam and kids included), my mom, my husband who will never read this anyway, every single person who has donated to our GoFundMe, everyone who has given us cash, Ace Painting in Clayton (Marco gave us a very discounted rate on painting, carpet replacement, repairs and debris removal and did an absolutely phenomenal job), Mr. Wood and the entire Dixon family for taking care of the lawn, The Davis family for keeping an eye on the house, my co-workers since I am basically checked out, the amazing Chestnut Falls ladies and Marybeth. I know I am missing so many people, please don’t be offended, my brain is a little mushy these days.
Extra special thank you to all the people I know and don’t that reach out to share that they actually read my blogs and send love. I may not always respond but please know it means more than you’ll ever know. Sometimes I switch to introvert mode immediately after posting so I can conserve energy. But know I appreciate you.
If you would like to contribute to our GoFundMe, you can do so here and know how much we appreciate your support.